And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
