If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I die, sorry about rent.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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