also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
