Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
