He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
two words: eviction party
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
