where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
