I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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