Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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