I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
