She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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