if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
