we have pet lesbian snakes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
