we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
