new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
