i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize