sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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