I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had sex on a dog bed..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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