her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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