No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Let the clothes fall where they may.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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