Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
