Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
