Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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