theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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