I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize