8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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