you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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