you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
