I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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