I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
