Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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