All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
