I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my being single is dangerous.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize