Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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