we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My life is pants optional.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
