recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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