my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
