her vagine was all disorganized.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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