Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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