tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
