Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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