I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize