the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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