i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
