I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
