Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
