My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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