If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
