Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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