If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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