I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
