Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize