I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
