I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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