i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize