I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
