someone threw a dead crab at me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize