I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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