so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
