she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
