4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
