i'm lost and i look like a hooker
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
