so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
