i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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